Today’s session worked slightly differently to the first one. Instead of staying on one particular moment, we worked through a few key moments in my memory assosiated with pain and ended up (surprisingly) unpacked a pandora box.
A memory heavily associated with fear, shame, (false) guilt, misunderstanding, anxiety triggering, turned out to linger not because I was afraid, but more because anger, resentment, annoyance were masked behind. These feelings come two ways, firstly towards myself for not being capable of self-defence or act out in said situations, secondly from an observer perspective towards the aggressor(s) for putting the younger me through such traumatic experience.
The untreated and unprocessed resentment sought an outlet through thrill seeking in teenage and adult life, and some early life gratification was shown by actively letting ants drown in water and watching their dying body struggle and deform as amusement.
Obsessive attention seeking behaviours were also quite frequented, which could have placed myswlf in danger or risky scenarios. However, they have almost all uniformly stopped at the threshold of the subject showing mutual interest or recipricating such attention. A connection of self-loathe, unwanted attention, quickly emerges. There was feeling of superiority in presence to my actions combined with feeling of inadaquacy of “not worthy of” it.